


the glass was half full and we stopped pouring in

by ohallows



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Sad Ending, episode 65 redux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 19:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21361294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: Zolf’s always been a coward.
Relationships: Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan/Zolf Smith
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	the glass was half full and we stopped pouring in

**Author's Note:**

> nebulous au where zolf and hamid were Together together before zolf left in prague bc, idk? i’m a masochist i guess?
> 
> i just wanted to get this out of my head tbh i don’t..... love it????? but it’s fine needed to get some words in for nano.

When Zolf decided he was going to leave, he didn’t actually think Hamid was going to follow him out of the aeroport they’d docked at. He’d made his stance quite clear on where he’d stood between Bertie and Zolf, and it’s not  Hamid’s fault that Zolf had ascribed a lot more meaning to the few kisses and nights they’d shared (nothing  sordid , obviously, that’s not what Zolf’s ever cared about) than he’d meant by them. It’s not Hamid’s fault that Zolf had thought they’d - well, whatever. 

It’s his fault for thinking it was ever anything more than leftover guilt and stress. This isn’t - this isn’t something Zolf gets to have. And especially not with Hamid, who shines brighter than the stars above the open sea, who could really be something amazing, who Zolf refuses to drag down with him. 

Still, Hamid follows him, whether out of an over-large sense of obligation or out our guilt, and he tracks Zolf down to a bar, finds him before Zolf can get pissed out of his mind and make some more terrible decisions. 

He doesn’t say anything, at first, and that more than anything makes Zolf want to cry, because he shouldn’t be this understanding. Hamid shouldn’t have come after him, shouldn’t  care about him. Zolf’s never been more than baggage, a blight on an otherwise successful team, and it’s not fair to Hamid to keep bringing him into his own shit.

Zolf knows what he has to do, and he hates it but it’s the right thing to do. He - he knows he’ll break again, knows he’ll put the team in danger, and this… he thought he had found a family, again, but this was. It was never meant to be anything. It’s not their fault he got in too deep too fast, started caring too soon. He should have known it would always lead to this, lead to him alone. 

“I’m leaving,” Zolf says, as blunt and brusque as he can make it, and he doesn’t deserve the way Hamid is looking at him now, doesn’t deserve to have that, not anymore, if he ever did. Hamid reaches up and presses a kiss to Zolf’s cheek, and it’s all his own fault that the dam in his chest can’t contain anything he’s feeling,

“I know,” Hamid breathes, and he’s making a valiant effort to hide the heartbreak in his voice, but Zolf hears it anyway.

If he doesn’t think about it, he doesn’t have to feel Hamid’s hand shake where it rests on his shoulder. 

If he doesn’t think about it, he doesn’t have to see Hamid shut his eyes and just stay there for a moment, biting his lip as he leans his forehead against Zolf’s jaw.

If he doesn’t think about it, he doesn’t have to ignore the way he feels pulled in by Hamid, as though he’s the center of Zolf’s world, a soothing gravitational pull that he doesn’t know why he’s breaking away from. 

It doesn’t  mean anything, it  can’t,  because this isn’t - this isn’t for Zolf. Hamid and he - it was never going to be anything more than what it was. He can still feel the phantom press of Hamid’s lips on his cheek, and it takes everything he has not to pull Hamid back in. 

“Just,” Hamid says, and doesn’t break eye contact with Zolf as he takes a single step back, but the distance might as well be miles, and Zolf has no one to blame for that but his own stupid self, throwing away a chance at happiness because he can’t get it together, can’t be good for the team.

“Just come back to me. Please. I -“ Hamid cuts himself off, and Zolf hates himself for putting that look on Hamid’s face, for making him feel like this. He knows it’s not all him, can’t blame himself for it all, but logic and reason don’t always come into play when you need them to. He’s just - he’s not  worth it, is the thing; he convinced everyone that he was worth caring about, worth more than he was, and it’s not their fault that they didn’t see the truth of him. Hamid has always had more faith in Zolf than Zolf has had in himself. Not like that’s a difficult achievement, considering Zolf’s own self-esteem is in a locked coffin miles below the sea floor. 

He doesn’t respond, and doesn’t look at Hamid’s face. He knows Hamid is crying, can hear it in his voice, and all he lets himself have is a hug, when Hamid buries himself into his chest. It gives him a final chance to memorize everything; how Hamid fits into his arms like he belongs, how his hair tickles Zolf’s neck, how he feels like he could have been  everything to Zolf, if Zolf wasn’t just… a coward.

He leaves the bar. Leaves his heart behind, in Hamid’s hands, and he doesn’t let himself cry until he’s out of the bar, and it’s his own fault that there’s a crater in his chest. 

He’s not okay. He knows this, but it doesn’t really register, because he’s felt like this for so long that it seems like it’s become the new normal for him. Mr. Ceiling, the airship,  everything … they just piled up on top of each other, and endless expanse of indecision and trauma and angst, and Zolf never learned how to cope, never learned how to deal with it. 

He copes by running. He ran when Feryn died, leaving his home and his parents behind, and he’ll run now, run from the new home he could have had. He’s always been weak, after all. 

It’s what he does. 


End file.
